Thursday, 6 August 2015

Leaving something behind


Leaving something behind is by far one of the most hurtful and heartbreaking feelings one person can feel.
The only way to truly describe the feeling is: you know when you get off a bus, a train or leave a location and make it to a new one only to realise that you've lost something; something that you may not be able to get back. It feels like a kick in the stomach; a physical pain.



You experience all kinds of feelings that rush at once.
But take that scenario and know that what you've left behind you've left for a purpose. 
You are perfectly aware of it as if placing something on the seat of some form of transport and leaving it there, as you watch it go into the distance.
It feels weird giving it to someone else, letting them take care of something that was once yours because in life you learn that you have to leave some things behind. Things that mean a hell of a lot and not always necessarily things you want to leave behind,
Eventually they can only be replaced with smudges of memories.

Tears, tantrums, heartbreak, love, laughter, friendship and falling out. All happened in the 19 years I lived at my first home. The rooms that watched us as we grew, danced, sang and talked.
4 People, 1 dog, countless fish, 4 gerbils and 5 cats (with out counting the rare occasion of each giving birth to little babies)
We watched neighbours come and neighbours go. Friends we made and lost contact with.

I had many favourite rooms I loved to be in.
 You know I'd be lying if I said my room wasn't my favourite of all. My own space, my little place I could call my very own after my sister had moved out of course, I moved into her room. I got the chance to redecorate (she thought painting it black seemed good idea at the time, for me not so much)
And strangely enough my bedroom witnessed the arrival of my first cat giving birth to 3 tiny kittens.

I think upstairs staged many emotional moments, my door slamming, my sisters door slamming, arguments, tears and laughter used to be thrown from room to room.
And a hell of a lot of talking usually from me in my bedroom and my sister in the other.
At this point I'm describing the time we decided to buy Barbie phones (yep you heard me) to talk to one another on this was all well of course until a good few minutes after my sister would say 'Paige, are you there' I'd be fast asleep at the other end of the line.

The garden was too one of my favourites, despite not particularly spending a large amount of time out there. When we did we knew summer was upon us. Unless it was when we stood outside to watch fireworks or pop out to the shed in the garden for screws or screwdrivers.
 Being a lover of the summer anyway I know I'll miss the days lazing around in the sunshine watching the cats play amongst themselves then occasionally coming over to visit the blanket I would lay out on the grass.

The kitchen too I know had many happy times, how could you even begin to count the numerous times meals came out of that room. Baked disasters and beautiful creations.

The living room that played homage to mine and my sisters idea of entertaining our parents and neighbours at Christmas, Halloween or any time of year we could find an excuse to do one of our what we liked to call 'Cabarets' A dance routine put together to preform to a Marlyn Manson song will always stick in my mind, one word priceless.
We had a lot of good times in that room, and it always remained the joy of the house which I can imagine for every house really no room is big enough to fit in all the memories that have occurred over the years, nor not enough space to retell every story that were created in it.

I find that the dearest memories you can take from any occasion where you have to leave something behind is the unplanned days. The days filled with laughter, gatherings, good company, food and drink because those moments are the ones we cherish.
The people that made your days complete, those that stood by you even when the change begins to happen because those are the ones you want to hold onto.


They say home is where the heart is so it figures really why it can be such a painful experience to leave the place where your heart lies, not for all I may gather but for me it was.

Personally I believe that everything happens for a reason and what ever it is that your leaving behind now may seem like a big change for the future, which it sometimes can be hopefully though it can be for the good.
The worst thing in the world for me is change, I just find it hard to adapt to which I'm sure many others can relate to. But I have come to realise that it's something that happens regardless of whether you give it the go ahead or not and for the most you have to learn to cope with it.
I tend to find that the things you once knew and were used to find a way to take a back-seat and the new things don't seem so bad after all.
You can find happiness in anything if you try hard enough.

The saying is true, in order to move forward you have to leave something behind.


This ultimately is quite a personal post for me, but an important one. And quite clearly one about moving home but it's one that I hope many can take something from it, its personal to me but it's a post that can be adapted in many ways to your own life.

It's rare for me that you can find a place so fulfilling on an evening to find a place so cosy and homely. 
Usually I hate the dread of the winter but truly evenings are my favourite here and change means we open a new page blank, crisp and new. Beginning our own memories and filling the page until it becomes our own chapter. We don't know what the future holds no one knows and that's exciting,  embarking on a new journey in my life. 
And I still have those smudges of memories to hold to, so for that I am grateful.

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1 comment

  1. Aw it was wonderful reading your good memories about your childhood home! I am sorry to hear that you will be moving out but it is great that you have a lot of happy memories to keep dear to you. That's the most important part! And the good thing is that you can have more than one place to call home. I'm sure you will be able to call something else your home soon enough! :)
    Olivia | Her Name Was Celebration

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